#8~ Jan 17: Welcome To Holland/ Fear

I came across this article "Welcome To Holland" early this past December and posted it on my Facebook page. I would like it here too. I really love the lesson it teaches.. More from me after Emily's words..

WELCOME TO HOLLAND 

                        By Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. 

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, back to me:

Many of us will take a trip to this place.. Maybe not for the same reason. Maybe not with a disabled child, maybe with some other hardship... Many of us have dreamed of something for our entire lives, only to find out later that the dream will not come to pass..

Emily's words made me think about my life.. Man, I have been in Holland a few times... All of us have, no one is immune to this.. It's true, Holland is beautiful too.. 

Now that we are considering doing IVF, I find myself on a plane again.. Dreaming of landing in Italy.. I have to remind myself that I may land in Holland again.. To be honest, it scares me.. 

My Italy right now: 
   - Best case scenario: Getting pregnant naturally.
   - Last option scenario: Doing IVF, conceiving a healthy child.
My possible Holland: 
   - Doing IVF and getting nothing out of it.
   - Doing IVF/ICSI and giving birth to a child that has health issues.

Getting pregnant after 35 comes with increased risks. ICSI comes with increased risks too... The likelihood of having congenital conditions with a regular conception is 3%.. The likelihood of having issues with ICSI conception is 6%.. The idea of a congenital condition FREAKS ME OUT.. 

I believe that fear is powerful and if allowed to grow can make a seemingly good decision feel like the worse decision ever..

Fear can be debilitating... I have felt it grow inside of me this past week.. But I know that Fear doesn't come from God.. 

I have a great immune system, I am healthy, I am strong.. I can do this.. I can't let fear stop me from trying IVF. And if I land in Holland again, I will struggle at first but will eventually come to see it a special and lovely place too.