#14~ Feb 3: I Am Pregnant... WHAT???

Believe me when I say that we are as shocked as you probably are... Head is Spinning still...

So if you are on here, I'm assuming that you have seen Mia's big announcement on Facebook and you are looking for an explanation!! Here is that announcement for you who have missed it:

If you have read all of my posts, you will know that this blog of mine started for one thing and changed into something else.. Well, it's changing again. It is CRAZY. Looks like my flight is heading to Italy after all!

Under regular circumstances I would not be sharing this so early on but this isn't really regular circumstances!! This is OUT OF THIS WORLD not regular. I realize that most people choose to wait 3 month before sharing the news. I realize that there is a chance something might go wrong in the next few weeks but I can't keep a straight face anymore when people ask me about our upcoming IVF journey. I can't keep this in any longer and will take that risk. Things will go the way they are meant to go...

In the past few days I have run into a few of you who have wished us good luck, many of you have been super happy with post #12 and the good news there! And a few of you have asked me questions that I haven't been able to answer truthfully these past few days b/c of this change of event. I want to be able to talk freely about this most exciting time. After all, it's no surprise to anyone that we were wanting to conceive and trying to keep this MAJOR TWIST a secret at this stage is not something we want to do. But before we could let all of you know the amazing news, we needed to tell our direct family members first! 

I had no idea that anything was going on with my body on the morning of Dwayne's test results (Jan 28 post).. I knew that I was late again, but I didn't know how many days. I was trying not to pay too much attention to that. I was not thinking pregnancy but figured I should find out the exact number of days before going into this appointment in case I was asked. 

In november my cycle was 42 days long.. Insane long.. Never been that long. (That was the cycle that prompted the start of this blog). In December my cycle was 35 days long. Still long but getting closer to normal. Now the day of our test results on Jan 28, I was at 41 days.. I was a bit shocked when I realized that but had told myself that I would not test again under 42 days and intended on sticking to that. Now that I knew my body could have such long cycles, I simply assumed that my body was just late again and left it at that. I had decided not to get excited over a late period again. That game is the most unpleasant/painful one to play!

Alright, so back to January 28: When we were at the doctor's office, the nurse didn't ask if I wanted to take a test but she said that maybe I should take one at home to have a definite answer. I nodded, but inside I didn't want to take one. Agreeing to take one meant having some hope that something had magically changed. In my mind we were doing IVF and I was finally good with that.

So after our appointment we came home and I wrote blog entry #12. We both felt pretty happy b/c of the results but I still didn't want to get too excited about anything happening naturally.

When Dwayne ordered the FertilAid supplements, he also purchased 5 pregnancy tests. One per month of trying naturally before heading to the Calgary clinic. That day he finally convinced me to take a test. With previous ones, we always had the camcorder going, hoping to catch the moment!! This time I was a bit closed off. I hadn't invested much energy in thinking I was pregnant. I was moving forward and didn't want to get caught into anymore hope/despair cycles. I wanted to just know that it was negative, move on, stop wondering. I did the test and laid it down and got busy doing something else.. We didn't have anything capturing this moment as I really figured it would end up like the many others, I was prepared... Or so I though...

But it was different. One line appeared.. Then another one appeared. And I missed it. I wasn't watching. I really didn't think I would be pregnant. Dwayne told me to look. I refused to believe it. There was no way. How could this be! The timing was pretty ironic considering we had just returned from an appointment to set up our referral for IVF...

It would be easy for some to say that we just didn't try enough in the past. It would be easy for some to say that we just needed to "relax". Oh man.. That's not the case but unfortunately I've heard these things from many before, if only things were that simple! We didn't have a case of "unexplained infertility", it's not because we were too stressed out over it that it wasn't happening like so many people like to think. We had a medical situation that prevented us from conceiving. We tried. We relaxed. We tried again. We gave up a few times. We went on trips. We did everything we could to make it happen. We gave up again. We relaxed again. Then we made the final decision to involve IVF before giving up for real. And all of the sudden, out of no where, the thing that our many doctors told us would never happen, did happen. Dwayne's sperm count was not supposed to ever get better according to them)! And it did.. And here's my BFP to prove it:

Dwayne quickly grabbed the camera and captured this moment.. Me in complete disbelief and in tears!

I wasn't believing it at all.. I stared at that stick for a long time... I called the Clinic to tell the nurse who had helped us this morning. She couldn't believe it either and told me to go to the lab RIGHT NOW and we would do some blood work to confirm this. I went immediately. Still holding my mind from going there. I wanted to believe that this was true but I was afraid to go there. I needed to hear the blood work results first. I don't know how many false positives happen from pee sticks. Probably none. But allowing myself to believe and then have that be taken from me, not a nice thought.

Did the blood work. Tried another stick. Same. This time I filmed the lines changing. How could I have 2 false results... Still in disbelief.. Holding back my heart..

I wasn't expecting the lab work results to return so fast. The nurse told me I would find out within the next few days but she called me that evening to tell me that the blood work came back positive. This is when I had a true happy tears/sobbing moment.. I AM PREGNANT.

I went back to the clinic on Jan 29 to get information and fill out some paper stuff. We set up my first prenatal appointment for March and that was that! The nurse was so happy for us, she said stories like ours happen but not very often.. She said that we made her day.. She sent us on our merry way.. And MERRY it was!!!

I AM PREGNANT... I AM PREGNANT... I AM PREGNANT... I AM PREGNANT... I AM PREGNANT... I AM PREGNANT...

Maybe if I write it down enough times I will start to really believe it. My head isn't registering the news, it isn't sinking in. I feel like I am in a fog. Out of self preservation I had blocked myself from dreaming about babies for so long! I still find myself stopping my thoughts, only to realize that this time I can go on, I can think about my future and this baby... And then the happy tears flow again. My dream is coming true. I feel overwhelmed with gratitude! I have not enjoyed the all day long nausea that is accompanying this pregnancy but I see it as a sign that I AM PREGNANT, my hormones are raging and something is happening inside of me and that makes it all worth it.

I always wished I could have one of those "surprise, hey I'm pregnant" moments... I figured I would never experience that because we were always so aware of ovulation time, of any lateness in my cycles, and of any details related to that.. But this one time, I wasn't expecting it.. I got my surprise. It was a good one!

#13~ Jan 31: Calgary Clinic Called!

The Calgary Fertility Clinic received our referral. They called Dwayne on his phone, left a message for him to call back to set up our first apt.. WHAT??

They weren't kidding when they said that putting "Repeat Patient" on our request would speed things up...

My head is spinning with the happenings of this past week..

                    
                        More on this Monday!

#12~ Jan 28: Test Results/ Referral Requested

Today finally arrived:)

We sat in the waiting room, anxiously waiting for our turn to come.

Results came in. I was a bit pessimistic going in. Dwayne wasn't. He's been feeling rather hopeful lately. More trusting that things will happen, and even happen without IVF. I wish I shared his optimism. I guess I am tired of getting my hopes up and having them get crushed. Staying neutral in this regard helps me cope sometimes!

This isn't common knowledge to people who don't deal with infertility and who haven't had to research this topic so I will tell you the range of a normal sperm count. According to wikipedia the average sperm count today is between 20 and 40 million per millilitre in the Western World.


Dwayne's 2008 results: Under 100,000

Dwayne's 2014 results: Over 26 million


We were floored. We were told multiple times in the past by many doctors that his count would never increase, even after surgery, and after becoming healthy again.

We can't explain this. The doctor couldn't explain it. We have our theory though.

So now Dwayne doesn't have a low count anymore. His results fit within the "average" numbers.  Hummmmm

We were going in there today to get those results and to request a referral for the Calgary Fertility Clinic. It is done. She is faxing the request today. They have 6 months to contact first time patients. We were told to make sure "REPEAT PATIENT" was on our request which would cut that waiting time drasticly.

Our 3 months supply of supplements arrived Saturday. Maybe we won't need them after all??

We are still hoping/praying that things will work out naturally but if they don't, we are set to go for the rest of the plan.. The ball is now well in motion... We have done all that we could, it's not in our hands anymore! Actually, it never was... Sending happy baby dust and still believing in miracles.

#11~ Jan 24: Editing Madness/Clarification

I love writing, always have. Putting thoughts down, it's always nice.. A blog is a good place to do that.. I started this blog for one reason.. Turned into another, it morphed into something else.. One of my brothers and I had a conversation about this.. I got thinking.. I got paranoid.. I did some editing.. And now I feel better!! Blogs can sometimes be controversial or talk about things that are not "common lingo".. I feel like mine fits that description.. I had to really be comfortable with this before being able to go on with it.. 

I don't think I had explained some things well enough in previous posts. I didn't know where I was headed really.. I didn't really understand the purpose behind it.. Now I know where I am going with this.. I sat myself down to really think about why I wanted this blog.. I came to a few conclusions.. It's now clearer in my mind and it makes sense and it is motivating me to continue..

I posted about social media, sharing and privacy a few days ago... It reinforced a few things in my mind..  As a result I changed my privacy setting.. That entire post changed actually as well as a few others. Went into editing madness mode.. I'm glad I did.. Post 2-3-4 have changed the least.. All the other ones received a nice haircut... Now I feel more comfortable with everything.. Ahh, feels better..

So thanks for that conversation I had and the changes I have made, I can go on sharing what's to come.. So if you have been following me so far and were a bit confused, don't worry, I was too. I didn't have direction... I do now.. If you were unclear and want clarity, I invite you to go back and see the changes.. If not, then let's just move forward shall we?

In the middle of all of this, I think I have found the secret to making days last longer... Having a huge thing to look forward to completely slows time down.. These next few months are going to be looooonnnnnng... Not a bad thing I guess.. I have many other things to enjoy in life.. I just have to remind myself to stay in the moment and enjoy that moment.. I can't be wishing my days away for something that won't happen for many months yet..

#10~ Jan 20: FertilAid for Men and Women/ Experiment

A friend of mine told me about "FertilAid". She told me to google it and read up on it. I found the products very intriguing and told Dwayne about it. He said that he wanted to try it..

I asked my "IVF Buddies" group if any of them had heard about this supplement.. I got a few replies back.. A few said that it did nothing for them.. One lady said that they still needed to do IVF but her husband's sperm motility went from 20% to 45 %... Very interesting..

We are going to do an experiment..

Dwayne's had a few semen analysis done over the years with our medical doctor, a urologist, and the Calgary Fertility clinic.. All with similar results.. All of these tests were done prior to his first surgery in 2009. They all told us the same thing, to forget the notion of a natural pregnancy.

Back in 2009 Dwayne's health was at its worse.. His body was passing food through so fast that he didn't get a chance to get many nutrients before the colitis did its thing and rushed it all out... He was undernourished even though he ate a healthy diet.. No one told us that the disease he suffered from might be what affected his fertility but it would make sense that this part of him was also being damaged by the ravage the colitis was having on the rest of his body. An undernourished body can't do it's proper functions..

He is doing so much better now.. Prior to surgery (Oct 2009), he weighed about 155 pounds. He is 5'11. After 20 days in the hospital he weighed around 125 pounds.. He now weighs a healthy 180 pounds, has been at that size since 2011.. Everything about him is much healthier!

Dwayne will be getting another sperm analysis as part of the tests we need to do to get back on the fertility clinic list. If his count/motility has improved we want to know if it is because he is now healthier and all his systems have regained strength or is it because we tried this supplement.. We ordered some stuff, it should be here within 3-8 days..

Dwayne called our medical doctor this morning about getting retested (so that we can have a current fact sheet, a base line to go from) and they told him to go to the lab this afternoon. So that's done... We are seeing our Doctor next Tuesday for the results. We will also ask her to send out the referral we need to the fertility clinic (yikes... This is really happening...) We will be able to compare his numbers from 2009 to today and then compare todays' numbers to the numbers the fertility clinic gives us when we start with them middle of the year.. Should be interesting..

We have tried so many things to get pregnant over the years, sooooo many things.. I could make a list, you would probably shake your head at what we've tried...

So here we are, ready to try yet another thing... Always hoping that this time will be the time we receive a miracle.. We realize this may do nothing.. But at this point, it won't hurt to try it out.. We are putting all of the odds on our side and taking every opportunity that presents itself.. This being the last thing we try before IVF.. I don't feel like I need any of the fertilAid but am going to use some anyways.. It's all natural.. It will balance my hormones if nothing else.. Can't hurt to try..

This might not be enough to achieve a natural pregnancy.. But it would feel good when IVF time comes if his count and motility is higher.. More healthy sperms to choose from.. Maybe no need for ICSI.. That would be so awesome..

Dwayne is going to take 3 different products:

FertilAid for Men

The ingredients in FertilAid for Men have been scientifically demonstrated to enhance male fertility and improve overall reproductive wellness as part of a healthy diet and lifestyle. 

Fertile, healthy sperm are defined not just by the number of sperm (or count), but also by sperm concentration, by sperm motility and speed, and by healthy morphology (sperm shape and size). 

With an effective formula that combines a potent blend of antioxidants, vitamins, and minerals with the amino acid, L-Carnitine, FertilAid for Men is designed to support the healthy formation of sperm and increase both sperm motility and sperm count.

CountBoost

Countboost is designed to be taken with FertiAid for Men; CountBoost for Men is a non-prescription dietary supplement designed specifically for men who have been diagnosed with a low sperm count - the leading cause of male infertility. 

CountBoost is designed specifically for men who have been determined to have a low sperm count. 

MobilityBoost

MotilityBoost for Men is a non-prescription dietary supplement designed specifically for men who have been diagnosed with a low sperm motility, which along with low sperm count represents a leading cause of male infertility. 

MotilityBoost is designed specifically for men who have been determined to have low sperm motility, typically by way of a semen analysis (SA) conducted by a physician.

I am going to be taking these two products.. 



FertilAid for Women

Designed to increase fertility and improve reproductive health.

With an all natural, non-prescription, patented formula*, FertilAid promotes female hormonal balance and reproductive wellness, supporting fertility and optimizing your chances to conceive.

FertilAid for Women combines fertility-enhancing nutrients with a “Just Right” formula of folic acid, essential vitamins and minerals, and key antioxidants.

FertilAid for Women was formulated on the basis of established scientific literature to help optimize fertility safely and naturally as part of a healthy diet and lifestyle. FertilAid has no negative side effects and has no impact on multiple births.


FertilCM

FertileCM for Women is a balanced dietary supplement to promote the healthy production of fertile cervical mucus – the bodily fluid central to fertility and conception.

Fertile cervical mucus during ovulation is central to getting pregnant, helping to nourish and protect sperm and facilitate sperm transport. 

The ingredients in FertileCM promote the production of healthy, fertile-quality cervical secretions and ensuring a proper pH balance for a vaginal environment conducive to conception.Successful implantation requires a healthy endometrial lining. By increasing vascular blood flow to the uterus, this has been shown increase endometrial secretions and help strengthen the uterine lining for implantation.

Looking forward to next Tuesday.. We were going to wait a bit longer before asking our Doctor for the referral but we also weren't planning on getting this test done now (we really want to know if these supplements do anything and this was the only real way to find out). Since we need to go in for his results, we might as well get that part over and done with at the same time... I don't really want to go there twice if I don't have to!! I'll be spending enough time in clinics soon enough!!

#9~ Jan 18: Social Media, Sharing, Privacy...

I've been thinking lately about the way social media works.. The good.. The bad.. The ugly... I heard someone say a while back that he never really comments or adds anything on his regular Facebook page, he likes to check other people's walls though, he compared it to voyeurism (Is that even a word??).. Humm.... I found that strangely interesting and weirdly bothersome at the very same time. It got me thinking even more... Facebook and blogs kinda give others permission for that kind of behaviour.. Visit someone's page but never leave a trace that you were there!! Know stuff about them but never share stuff about you.. It's the risk you take when you share things.

I guess I'm guilty with some of that too.. I don't always "like" things or comment on what I see.. It's a strange environment if you really think about it... Turns out that about 45% of Facebook users are "observers" according to this one site I visited.. These people don't participate, they just "watch"... (Sorry, I couldn't help myself with the little peeping tom kitty photo...)

This blog is dedicated for one dimension of me...  My Facebook page is another dimension of my life. I keep my wall pretty upbeat, pretty positive.. Not to give an impression or claim a "perfect life", but because there is enough depressive, terrible things out there, I don't want to see that on my wall too...

I got thinking about this blog.. I was wondering how open I wanted this to be.. My Facebook is set to the highest privacy setting possible. I don't just accept anyone on there.. Now my blog, it's a bit different.. It will be personal but on a different level.. It's going to be strictly for the purpose of sharing the infertility stuff...

So where should my privacy settings be on this thing? I have wavered back and forth with that decision.. Keeping this blog wide open was my intention at the beginning but now I'm not so sure.. I have 3 options with this: 

1) I keep it private and you can only read it if I invite you. With this option the reader needs to have a google account.. Not hard to do..

2) I keep it open with the search engine on and anyone can find this, anyone can read it, anyone can comment (this is where the blog started).

 3) I keep it open with the search engine off and the only people who can find it are people who have received my link.. This is where my setting sits right now. I share my link on my Facebook page and with some friends who are not on Facebook who have asked me for my updates, that's it... 

I may change my mind at any given time and set it to private, at which point I will let you know and you can receive an invitation to continue reading. 

This blog started for one thing and has morphed into something else. At first I wanted to just talk about infertility.. Share a couple of articles, demystify this thing, this beast.. This was part of my healing process.. I wanted to fully surrender what happens next and not put anymore energy into it. I wanted to move forward.

I didn't know that the IVF route would spring back into our lives like it has.. I really wasn't seeing that happening back in November.. I know that we don't have a guarantee with this route.. But we will know that we have tried everything and that in itself will also be healing.. We are going for "No Regrets.."

So now the purpose of this blog is no longer the same. Now I just want to share this next adventure. Sharing what IVF is all about is going to be intense on many levels... I've read lots on the topic, researched it, but really I have no idea what I am embarking in with this crazy adventure.. We are excited about it.. I am thinking that whoever it is that will read this blog is doing it b/c they are interested in this topic and/or interested in "Our Journey" and not b/c they are just curious about this trial we bare and want ammunition to gossip and judge.. This quote below is truly how I feel.. If you have something to say, say it...

I have found a Facebook group where this kind of sharing takes place and it has been wonderful... It is called "IVF Buddies".. It is a closed group for ladies who suffer from infertility, who want to do IVF, have done IVF or are in the process (look it up if this describes you, about 900 ladies from all over the world are there). They update, they ask questions, they share pictures, they share knowledge, a few have blogs and private Facebook pages (with details of their IVF journeys, it's fascinating). They comfort the many sad news of failed attempts, they encourage the happy news of positive pregnancy tests, they uplift, they are such a support to me already... I've only been on that group for a couple of weeks and already have gleaned much from it.

I have no idea who reads my blog.. I know the traffic mostly comes from Facebook though.. I know that it is being read.. It's rather amazing. I've had many page hits, I didn't know so many people would show this kind of interest. I didn't know so many people would cheer us on.. I didn't know so many people would support us this way.. It feels nice!

I too read a few blogs here and there, I usually love what I read but I rarely comment.. Perhaps the world of blogging has even more "observers".. Iv'e received some of the sweetest comments that make me think that this is worth it.. Keep going.. Keep sharing.. I'm going to try and return that kindness back b/c those comments/likes have meant so much to me... It's let me know that you were here and that you care... It feels like support.. Like you are cheering us on. There isn't much else anyone can do for us at this point.. Letting us know you care and you are with us, that feels amazing.. So thank you for that.. You commenting/liking feels like this to me:

I am not looking for approval.. I don't think anyone will judge our choice to do IVF but I think there will be plenty who won't agree with the open approach that I want to try here.. I know that as I open myself up this way, I am also opening the door for criticism and negative feedback.. But the good makes it worth it to me! And really, if you don't like what I am writing then just stop reading and turn it off!! If you think this is too much, you really won't like the rest... Next comes the start of our IVF journey, that means more details!!! There won't be many updates on here between now and May/June.. Now we wait, we play hard, we enjoy this time with JUST Mia.. The rest will come soon enough!

#8~ Jan 17: Welcome To Holland/ Fear

I came across this article "Welcome To Holland" early this past December and posted it on my Facebook page. I would like it here too. I really love the lesson it teaches.. More from me after Emily's words..

WELCOME TO HOLLAND 

                        By Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. 

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, back to me:

Many of us will take a trip to this place.. Maybe not for the same reason. Maybe not with a disabled child, maybe with some other hardship... Many of us have dreamed of something for our entire lives, only to find out later that the dream will not come to pass..

Emily's words made me think about my life.. Man, I have been in Holland a few times... All of us have, no one is immune to this.. It's true, Holland is beautiful too.. 

Now that we are considering doing IVF, I find myself on a plane again.. Dreaming of landing in Italy.. I have to remind myself that I may land in Holland again.. To be honest, it scares me.. 

My Italy right now: 
   - Best case scenario: Getting pregnant naturally.
   - Last option scenario: Doing IVF, conceiving a healthy child.
My possible Holland: 
   - Doing IVF and getting nothing out of it.
   - Doing IVF/ICSI and giving birth to a child that has health issues.

Getting pregnant after 35 comes with increased risks. ICSI comes with increased risks too... The likelihood of having congenital conditions with a regular conception is 3%.. The likelihood of having issues with ICSI conception is 6%.. The idea of a congenital condition FREAKS ME OUT.. 

I believe that fear is powerful and if allowed to grow can make a seemingly good decision feel like the worse decision ever..

Fear can be debilitating... I have felt it grow inside of me this past week.. But I know that Fear doesn't come from God.. 

I have a great immune system, I am healthy, I am strong.. I can do this.. I can't let fear stop me from trying IVF. And if I land in Holland again, I will struggle at first but will eventually come to see it a special and lovely place too.