This post is long.. Probably will take you 10 minutes to read.. But don't skip it.. Like the last post, the article I want to share here is super helpful in understanding that one person...
I came across this article thanks to a friend who posted it on one of her comments on this blog.. I found it amazing and I wanted to share it here.
This sort of information can be such a lifesaver for someone struggling or someone trying to support someone in that stage of life. Sharing makes me feel like I didn't go through this for nothing, my story and the lessons I have learned have already helped a few and I find STRENGTH in that...
The article comes from the
national infertility association and is full of great information. The info that Jody Early wrote in her Guide for Family and Friends (Third entry) is about understanding and needs. This below is on infertility etiquette and makes many good points (some points are the same that I've made, some are different). It is all very good.
Even I, who lives through this, found more understanding as I read it. I learned a few things about myself and that struggle... The first paragraph of the article just hits it bang on (In trying to explain my pain in previous years, I have often said that it was like loosing someone that I love, like someone died and I usually got some strange looks after saying that... Well, looks like I'm not the only one feeling that kind of grieving and that was comforting and validating to me..) Also I never really understood why we couldn't make the decision to adopt, the point on that further down also hits it bang on (Not the part about being unable to love another person's child, the other part)... Thanks Kimberly for sharing this link!
I was once told by another person grieving her own infertility that I couldn't possibly feel this way as I already had a child, she didn't.. I was shocked that something so insensitive could come from someone who knew the heartache. We all experience infertility differently. We all have different circumstances. Some of us conceive but have miscarriages, some of us conceive and go to term once and that's it (like me~ It's been interesting to see that not all but many of the other ladies I know who only have one child are dealing with levels of this very thing), some of us don't conceive at all.. All different but the pain, the hope and despair, the grief still remains. We all lost a dream or part of that dream. We all have a different story, but it hurts just the same! It is too bad that some have the need to say that they are hurting more! It's not about who is hurting more, it is about supporting each other through this...
After all of this posting and sharing, Dwayne and I got talking again about the different options out there. I got to reconnect with a few friends who contacted me after the blog became public, that was nice. Some have taken the IVF route or are in the process right now, some have taken the adoption route, some have said No More.. At this point I don't know how we feel about IVF and adoption, all I know is that no more still sounds wrong.. Who knows where we will be in 6 months though, still hoping, still trying...
Well, enjoy the rest:
Infertility Etiquette
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility.
More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States
experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed
about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during
this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar
to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a
recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is
no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the
stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and
move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people
grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the
loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But,
each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived
after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad
news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad
news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew.
This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like
having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to
heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases
while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing
to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your
bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
- They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones
need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know
what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes
the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say
is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally
became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive
after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a
couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried
unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most
infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until
they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the
people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain
are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even
more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman
feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good
chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming
pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my
husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone
treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet,
people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a
cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be
treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER
successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical
infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile
couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch
their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those
children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty
house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into
someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to
experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . .
etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile
people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell
somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to
buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation
doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a
parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not
provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse
things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on
what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going
through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a
job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different
ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the
"worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event.
To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home
wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman
might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has
been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst"
thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It
could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment
would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein,
don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than
infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God
doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to
imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to
divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely
sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that
end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up
neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the
"maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility
is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests
multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri
dish. This is a method that can produce multiple births. People
frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone
they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some
of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's
vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or
"Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not
funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful
for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant
reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile
women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to
interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as
her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I
understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones
are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as
queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent
about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your
infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the
discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby
growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about
morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight
months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would
complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm
if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends'
new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay
sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway
that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she
can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't
rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way
through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is
willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you
speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a
person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I
don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache
for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was
involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities
involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true
whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years.
The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to
your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been
trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those
responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as
their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples
have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like.
Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep
through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always
eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some
of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can
give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is
why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men
especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility
testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not
usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually
well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about
infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else,
it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank
teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next
period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as
private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy,
and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents.
(As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the
couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to
make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a
"stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with
Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the
importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our
initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why
do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you
grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker
emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to
start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and
expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very
sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that
they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are
never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that
isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it
is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The
only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said,
"Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.")
However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the
idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your
friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue
herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am
giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase
their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to
erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load.
Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you
care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are
religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same
support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing
they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets
them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about
women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful
time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on
the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating
motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother
and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now
that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for
my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them
a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate
knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point,
they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves
even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must
still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose
and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support
their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage
them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached
resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become
foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind
them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
