#2~ Nov 18: Our Story

Our Story: Welcome back!

~ Jan 2004: Dwayne and I were married. A few months later we decided we wanted to start having children.. (We wanted 4/5 so we should start now!) It took us 6 months to conceive.

  ~ Aug 2005: Mia was born. I had a C-section and needed to wait 6 months before getting pregnant again.. We started trying as soon as we had the okay... We were told many things by doctors... Reasons why it wasn't happening.. Relax.. blablabla... You know the drill if you are living this too...

~ 2006: The dreaded hope and despair cycles started with every single menstruation cycle.

~ Nov 2007: Our doctor finally agreed to test us for problems. Dwayne was referred to a Urologist where we were told that our chance of conceiving naturally was near zero, he pretty much told us to forget the idea. Issues with sperm count/motility. Our two options were adoption or In vitro (IVF). My world crumbled.

~ Mar 2008: We decided to do IVF, we met with the Calgary clinic doctors who told us which route we would need to take and we started on their long waiting list.

~ Oct 2008: Waiting list moving forward. I had to undergo a bunch of medical tests just to make sure all was in order on my side of things.

~ Mar 2009: We were selected to do IVF. (Meaning we were at the top of the waiting list full of other couples also waiting to try IVF) From what I have heard from others, the system is much slower in Canada.. We turned it down. At this point Dwayne's disease was at its worst. We had decided to operate and get rid of the sick organs so that he could have a chance at some normalcy in his life. And when we got the call that we could start IVF, we were also waiting for Dwayne's first surgery (supposed to happen in April), couldn't do both at once (physically and mentally).

~ Jul 2009: We were selected to do IVF again. Turned it down again.. Still waiting for Dwayne's surgery. Agony on many levels.

~ October 2009: Dwayne finally had surgery. (The below pics are of him after 20 days in the hospital.. Yikes! Skin and bones)... He had another surgery in 2012.. All is well now!

  

If you wait longer than one year from fertility tests to actual process, you have to redo all of the tests to remain on the waiting list for In vitro. At this point I couldn't do it.. It wasn't in me to have invasive probing again when I knew my body was totally fine and wasn't the issue. Our marriage was suffering for many reasons. We didn't want to add more stress and pay $12,000 (that we didn't have) to have a baby with the risk that our marriage might fall apart after the fact. We dropped the idea.


~ We attended a few adoption seminars, I talked with friends who had adopted, and we looked into that route but it never felt right for us so we dropped that idea too.

By the start of 2011 the hope and despair cycles continued but somehow I was able to manage them better. I wasn't angry anymore. I wasn't asking “why” anymore, I wasn't in pain at the sight of a pregnant woman, I started holding other people's babies again, I stopped isolating. The pain of this trial wasn't as strong these past 2 years.. We were hopeful that we could make it happen. Mia was a miracle baby (we didn't know it at the time, we know it now)... We thought maybe we could have two miracles. But things never did happen. I learned to be okay with my situation. I relied heavily on my faith to get me through and really started to feel happy again and content with whatever might or might not come...

But then the unthinkable happened. This past week (Nov 2013) I experienced the longest “hope” cycle ever. I thought I was pregnant.. I was almost 2 weeks late and seemed to have all of the signs. I am never late. I am on the dot regular... Had an apt with Dr to do blood work b/c urine test showed negative (it also showed negative with Mia)... But the blood results came back negative too (and my period started the next day (on Nov 15))! The despair part of this cycle hit us like a ton of bricks.

I was doing fine before this 2 weeks late business. But this past week I was sent down a spiral that seemed too familiar, a spiral I hadn't visited in a couple of years. This event is what prompted me to write this entry.

This event reminded me of my life a few years ago. It took me back to those dark spots for a couple of days. It took me back to the pain. It took me back to my reactions and reminded me of how I would act, how I tried to protect myself, how I hid. It took me back to the envy I felt when I saw parents with their many kids.. It took me back to the intense jealousy at the sight of a pregnant body. It took me back to the anger I felt when I heard expecting mothers complaining about ailments pregnancies bring (yes growing a baby can be uncomfortable but do you know how lucky I think you are to have those side effects?)... Family members and friends saw me reacting a certain way, they saw my external shell, they saw the external symptoms but I never showed the real thing. Most people had no idea, hence the invisible curse... (Having said that, I am happy for you who are able to conceive... I don't want to take your joy away, you should be happy, I would be too...) But in the past if I have cried at the sight of your newborn, now you know why... If I have turned down the chance to hold your baby for a while, you will also know why... If I didn't attend baby showers, that's probably why too..

I am surprised that I was able to bounce back so quickly this time though. I had a few terrible days but now I am almost feeling normal again. Not knowing and hoping was the worse thing. Every day added some hope... Now I know.. I am not pregnant, nothing new, my life goes on as always. In the past I would sink into mini depressions after each cycle... I never want to go there again...

I know that others are experiencing that too. They are probably doing what I used to do... I have spoken to a few others who deal with this and they too are very familiar with the hope/despair agony!

Sometimes in our hardships we isolate, we get angry, we doubt, we sink deeper, we turn away from help, we shrivel... In the next entry I will share a guide that might help you understand a loved one who is struggling with this too. That section is the most important part of these first three entries...